If you can’t even be honest with yourself, you are fucked. Literally you are living a lie and one which will follow you wherever you go and in whatever you do. Caught up in this lie, your recall of events will be inaccurate, your interpretation of them faulty and this illusion will colour all of your interactions with the world. No doubt the events you perceive are always some other person’s faults,” it is really not fair mummy please can you stuff me back up your fanny.” There will be a tendency to wallow in the mud of self-pity or the rosy-tinted or sepia memories of days gone by. You will have no sobriety and shirk responsibility for your part in the events as life unfolds. Unless you are honest, at least unto yourself, your entire basis for interacting with life, is off, skewed and more than a little made-up. You will be a pretender, always pretending and very often fearful that you will be caught out in the lies you tell both to yourself and to others.
Until you recapitulate your life, honestly, right up until the moment you came into this planetary domain, you will not see your life for what it now is, nor what it has been. This recapitulation cannot be done overnight, because we have suppressed so much, and it lies hidden in a cobweb laden dusty corner of our minds. You can’t don some recapitulation trousers and hang in a tree and have it done in a month, nor can we hide in a cave or a box. It must be done assiduously, month after month, year after year. Always being mindful of the tendency to self-bullshit and to skip those areas which are embarrassing or painful. Something in life, perhaps a button pressed, will often open a new line of inquiry. Should it do so, that is the line you should follow, there and then. Gradually, slowly, the buttons will be eroded. And before long that which once got you so agitated is common or garden, with no drama attached. In time you will see the cyclic patterns of your life in which you repeat your folly, over and over. Now you are ready to move. Your battle plan starts to emerge.
“Not me, I am not going to do that shit again!”
Now the advertisers might cajole you into buying their products so that you can store memories in the larder, the pantry, upon which to dine in your dotage. If that is what you seek, then what are you doing here? The trouble is that memories can pickle and dry and go off. Any residual bitterness acidifies, and resentment burns like a hot iron plunged into the eyes. Unless you work at it, this kind of stuff, comes with you all the way to the box. If the past takes up such a high percentage of your CPU time, how can you process what is happening now, live and in the moment? You can’t! The land of “if only” is not such a great place. If all we have left is “if only”, we may sit all rheumy eyed in the care home playing bingo and quietly pissing ourselves. Warm it might be, real it is not.
Until you can at least be honest with yourself, you are fucked. You will repeat your folly, again and again.
“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”
Ruthless self-honesty is one of the best ways, to change how we think about the world. It is a key which opens the door to transmutation. And by recapitulation we free up CPU time with which to interact in a more meaningful way with life and the world around us. Transmute your memory, acknowledge your responsibilities and you will see the tapestry of your karma unfolding. Point the finger and you will simply repeat ad infinitum. Better to live in the eternal now than in the wastelands of “if only”.
I can say from personal experience that to be free of the intrusive interposition of memory is a liberating thing. The only person who can do it for you, is you.