To kick this off I’ll start with an anecdote which I will ever so slightly over-egg. A long time ago, back when I had both a job and a flat, I went on a diving holiday upon which I was going to learn to dive. As it happened I was put in a class with three younger women. This meant that one of them had to be my dive buddy. The woman who was paired with me was early thirties and something of an athlete. She was what many would consider physically very attractive. She was also successful. During our five days together, she talked about how hard it was for her to have relationships and to find intelligent sensitive men who are not just out for one thing. She was maybe five years younger than me. I was single and open to the idea of a new relationship, at the time. I would have had baggage but judging from what she was saying so would she. She was perhaps getting a little desperate. Although she was easy on the eye she could have benefitted from a chill pill or two.
As things transpired she started to take something of a shine to me. I guess it is a feminine wile to ask you to put sunscreen on the back etc. After a while the topic turned to teeth. It turned out she was of all things, a dentist. One day she asked to look at my teeth on the pretext of checking some root canal work I had done. There was a gap where the tooth had been. I felt a little like a horse. Anyway, after she looked at my teeth that was the end of that, I had failed spectacularly on one of her criteria, teeth. Things never went beyond that point.
This is an example of some pre-determined control-freakery with a list of criteria. People can be a little picky and, as a consequence, never explore where some exploration may have been warranted.
The more pre-conditions we place, the more we limit ourselves. Pre-conditions are a form of control-freakery. How we come to our pre-conditions may not be well considered but once we have our list it can become inviolate. Something we sketch out can get set in stone. Many job adverts, for instance, are aiming for hard-working-genius-superheroes-with-great-people-skills-fantastic-attention-to-detail-deep-technical-knowledge-and-top-rate-world-reputations, to take the piss a bit. By setting preconditions we may exclude ourselves from the very thing we want or need, because it may not look like what our initial sketch is. Most of that wish list is idealized and not real in any case. But we seek to control it. And if something isn’t an exact match we seek to mould it, rather than taking as is. It is not uncommon in a relationship to try to change the person we fell in “love” with into something we think they ought to be and then end up no longer caring for them. Our control-freak mind can fuck things up and badly so. They resent the control-freakery and we don’t like the product.
Many employers say they like diversity, yet they put people through the institutional meat grinder and out comes clone-think mince. People are required to toe the corporate line and ethos, should there be such a thing. This is enforced by employment law. So much for diversity, all hail control-freakery. You can tell, to a degree, the corporate colouration of individuals, they have the mind-set and conditioning of their erstwhile institution. They themselves may not recognise it as conditioning.
Having cued this up:
Have I ever tried to mould another being into how I think they ought to be?
Is it possible that my pre-conditions have killed possibility stone dead?
Do I need to get a prescription for some high strength chill pills?